The Anxious and The Avoidant
How anxious pressure turned off a marriage
I just watched the most recent video from Heidi Priebe, titled “Why Avoidant Attachments Can Look Super Secure at First.” If you haven’t seen her work, she’s brilliant in the world of attachment styles. The video covers a lot of ground about avoidant attachment, but it also discusses the dynamics of anxious and avoidant attachment in relationships. I think this has been my ex-partner, whom I won’t name because she probably wouldn’t like it, and my dynamic, which has become more present in the last 18 months.
I clearly have an anxious attachment. I’ve been struggling with it so much this past month since the definitive separation. It’s tough to be alone with such relational uncertainty. I’m poking at apps left and right, looking for a connection at all times of the day. I can feel how desperate I am. It’s strange to be aware of. And after watching this video, I see how my anxious attachment has made things worse over time in how I’ve pushed for answers, applied pressure to her with finances and direction, or tried to make conflict happen to resolve things. I believe she’s more avoidant; her emotional disappearance, given all the pressure I applied, now makes sense. 2024 brought major life-direction changes, including new jobs and a need to think about our future vision and plan. Our dynamic became more challenging starting then. Many moments that seemed like sabotage around money or getting out of sync with the vision kept happening. We lost our footing and never got it back, slowly being eroded with each day of normalcy, caging ourselves in brick by brick. She must’ve been unsure of herself and our future from that point on. And maybe I was, too.
This attachment awareness is new fodder for blaming myself, as if anything could’ve changed what was bubbling inside her to come out. And still, I feel like an idiot for someone who does so much intentional inner work to be operating so unconsciously. Strange how personal growth can raise the bar for our expectations. I know it’s not fair to do that to myself. Yet, it feels so basic. I did the anxious attachment thing this whole time and couldn’t see her as avoidant. Of course, if it’s true that my former partner has an avoidant attachment style, then Heidi says it’s trickier to spot than you think. It’s the point of the whole video. I mean, put simply, she’s always been perfect to me, and it’s over time that emotional availability changed, and I’ve only recently questioned how much of an image of perfect I’ve put onto her without much genuine question. But if the theory holds, this is because she was trying to do what she felt she was supposed to do, so, of course, I’d see her that way because she gave me everything I wanted: attention, affection, and emotional support. I hope I gave her plenty in return, but I’m admittedly doubting that. I probably took too much. Her questioning of this dynamic makes sense of the prolonged struggle. Her expanded awareness, finally being able to explore what she wants and feels for herself, has led to fully leaning into her sexuality, cultural preferences, her new friends, groups, an excellent job, and an awakened vision for her future. She credits me for providing safety, but she did it all. I’m proud of her for doing it, even at the cost of us.
I just couldn’t see it at the time, and my default was to keep applying pressure, the exact thing that makes avoidants avoid.
Damn.
Just last night, we were hanging out at our kids’ baseball game, and an uncomfortable topic came up that made me freak out, and I rapid-fired a bunch of questions. Tales of friend betrayal surfaced, recontextualizing some of the last few months. This is before thinking about the attachment stuff. I didn’t react well, got confused by the details, and left rather dramatically in a huff. I like the drama, I know. But I would’ve made more of a scene if I stayed. It was an important topic I wanted to learn more about, but when I applied pressure, she shut down, and the focus shifted to my reaction rather than the content. Maybe she felt she had done the wrong thing by sharing, and my reaction reinforced why she hadn’t shared it sooner. Damn damn. This was a common pattern for us. A heartbreaking back-and-forth struggle.
So what of it at this point? Why does this matter now? Feels a little late to get it. At this point, it’s tough to know what I’m expecting from any further conflict we have. Maybe it’s all the reason to stop applying pressure. It’s a losing proposition in a time when I’ve already lost everything (oh, the drama). It seems more so about some semblance of closure to move on. I hope I can trust and let go. I think our friendship depends on it.